A Letter to Self (2019)
A collection of writing from my journal, May - August 2019
This conflict of belongingness and trying to find a purpose in the world feels really lonely. I’m pitted with a deep sense of self-loathing and that is why I’m unsure of myself. I’ve never been confident because I don’t know what place or purpose I should serve in this world. I distance myself with people and when I make work it is through the microscope of pensiveness. It’s a way for me to understand who I am to ultimately know what could strengthen a self compassion. For a while what I thought I lacked seemed right in front of me yet nothing seems to spark. It’s saddening so naturally I close myself off. We know what this feeling must be. Something that forms unity in-between two solitudes. And to think in the sun soaked waves looking up at the stars that the idea of this could have possibly worked. Perhaps I am just a fool like everyone used to tell me. You either feel your actions to the point of inhumanity, or die conforming and betraying your beliefs. I am in limbo between these two. The second is a safe route, which could save your life without vanity. The first is much harder and extremely lonely.
Drifting in overcast days, a bittersweet warmth swallows the mood.
Uncertainties in your steps as you see them depart.
No one’s to blame for your natural crudeness.
As you return to an unforgettable numbness.
Mistakes creep in and cast doubt deep down.
Butterflies sway in and out,
When you walk at night with a plastic bag full of half empty booze.
The heart filled storm lulled as you kiss her on the neck.
Confused and unforgiving.
The clouds begin to shed their first droplets of tears.
The sunset is a cocktail of pink and orange.
The blood moon kissed away your thoughts,
Mumbling on the way to dinner.
Sorrows and tenderness were caught,
As your smile at sea turned bitter.
When you sipped your wine quietly,
Embracing its melancholy,
Saddening to see your heart wilted so,
A pensiveness bringing esteem alow.
The heart echoes a scent.
My heart is sailing over the ocean,
An abyss of unknown territory.
Its deep waves, altering the very notion
Of my deteriorating melody.
For one must open one to another,
To encompass ourselves greatly further.
It's only natural to be lost at sea,
Where our minds may lay at rest peacefully.
There was a happiness that prevailed from deep within. At points it seemed so hopeless during such times of melancholy. That loneliness was ever so unbearable. Yet it was not enough to say you’re lonely. That was merely the first step. It is the admittance of being hurt that conjures up a strength from within. Loneliness was given life from the first time in realising a choice needed to be made solely by my hand alone. From being confused by a placement within a world that can be so cruel at times. A shattered confidence anchored by heartache drowned me. This is the loneliness that eats you up as you struggle for a breath of fresh air. But what made the endurance of this pain worth while is to exhale a vulnerability when those closest give you warmth. Happiness came from admitting the hurt. There were reminders during melancholy that urged me to keep going. A subtle light early in the morning draping across sleepy faces. The soft breeze in harmony with the late afternoon’s sun. The unforgettable sunset; it’s sky blended of lilac and blue, as the wind gusted these quiet thoughts into a special place that held dear to me. Within these most beautiful surroundings emerged an intimacy that burst sobs of loneliness into cries of joy. It was the greatest reminder of all - a wilted heart owes itself to be vulnerable to accept love.